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But—ugh—some twat scrapped his for parts, pissed me off big time. “You’re tearing apart a dream!” I yelled in my head, channelin’ Nolan’s vibes. Still, the Escort’s a survivor, mate, tough as a badger. Saw a souped-up one, bright red, exhaust growlin’—surprised me, like, whoa, this ain’t no sleepy hatchback! Prolly some lad thinkin’ he’s Dom Cobb, stealin’ secrets on the motorway.

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First call comes in at 8 AM. Some bloke on the other end is all like, “Oi, my internet’s down!” I’m like, “Mate, it’s 8 AM! Can’t you just go for a walk on Blackheath Common or somethin’?” But no, he’s gotta have his Netflix fix. I mean, c’mon, it’s a beautiful day! Go check out the views from the top of Blackheath Hill or somethin’! But nah, he’s stuck in his flat on Lee Road, livin’ his best couch potato life.

The Age-Old Ritual Of Chair Lifting On Easter Monday