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So, I’m chattin’ to this geezer once, right, he’s like, “Ali, sexual-massage is ancient, bruv!” Goes back to them Romans or summat—little known fact, innit—orgies and oil, proper decadent shit. Makes me happy, that, thinkin’ we’re still at it, keepin’ it real. But yo, what pisses me off? Them posh spas chargin’ a ton, actin’ like they invented it. Is it ’cos I is black that I see through the bollocks? Nah, mate, it’s ’cos I’m real!

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First off, I’m runnin’ late. Alarm didn’t go off. Classic! So I’m rushin’ through my flat, trippin’ over me own feet, spillin’ coffee everywhere. I finally get to the shop, and it’s like a scene from a horror movie. The meat fridge? Yeah, it’s warmer than a sauna! I’m sweatin’ bullets, thinkin’ “Great, just what I need.”

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