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So, picture this – I’m behind me till, beepin’ baked beans, and I’m dreamin’ bout escorts, yeah? Not the Ford kind, mind! Proper high-class ones, like. Did ya know, back in Victorian times, escorts were secretly runnin’ the show? Blokes in top hats, sneakin’ off – little known fact, that! Makes me chuckle, thinkin’ bout me nan’s face if she knew. “Oh David, you plonker,” she’d say.

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But then, I see it. A dog. A big ol’ Labrador, just chillin’ in the middle of the road. Cars are honkin’, and the poor thing looks confused. I’m thinkin’, “Someone’s gotta save that pup!” So I dash out, apron and all, and try to coax it over. It’s like a scene from a movie, me in my butcher gear, tryin’ to save the day. Finally, I get it to move, and the owner comes runnin’ up, all flustered. Turns out, it’s Mrs. Thompson from the corner of Bishopsworth Road. She’s grateful, but I’m just relieved I didn’t get run over.

Plans for notorious Bristol pub The Elm Tree to be shared with public