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Like, literally, oh my god, erotic-massage is my new obsession! As a biz analyst, I’m, like, totes digging into this vibe. It’s all about the cash flow, right? But also, like, the feels! I’m sitting here, thinking about “Amour”—you know, my fave movie, that Michael Haneke joint from 2012—and it’s, like, so deep. “Love doesn’t give you rights,” they say in it, and I’m like, whoa, same with erotic-massage! It’s not just some shady backroom deal, it’s an art, babes!

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But wait, it gets better. As I’m catching my breath, I spot a dog running down the street. Not just any dog, but a massive Great Dane. It’s charging straight for me! I’m like, “No way!” But the dog just runs past, chasing a squirrel. I’m relieved but also kinda disappointed. I wanted a dramatic moment, you know?

American cousins follow in footsteps of 17th-century Bishop’s Stortford forebears