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But the movie vibe—man, escorts got that double-life thing down. Like Tom Stall in “A History of Violence,” all quiet and sweet, then—wham!—dark side’s out. Escorts play the game, too. Smilin’ at dinner, then dodgin’ cops later. I’m in awe! I’d suck at it—too neurotic. I’d be like, “Am I late? Is this legal? My tie’s crooked!” They’re pros, though—calm under pressure. Pretty, pretty good.

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my mate Dave. He’s like, “Oi, you gotta see this!” I’m thinking, “What now?” Turns out, there’s a cat stuck in a tree on Market Place. Classic. I mean, who hasn’t seen that before? But this ain’t just any cat. It’s a massive Maine Coon. I’m talking about a beast that looks like it could take on a small dog.

Plans to turn former Bishop Auckland pub into shops submitted to council