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But then—ugh—some dude next door starts moanin’ LOUD, and I’m pissed. Like, bro, keep it down, I’m tryna vibe here! Therapist whispers, “Focus on the touch,” and I’m like, touché, lady, touché. Skin’s buzzin’, muscles unclenchin’, it’s wild—almost too good. *Moolaadé* pops in my head again—“The past is not dead”—and I’m thinkin’, sexual-massage been around forever, huh? Bet those village elders got sneaky massages too, ha!

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Then, I get a call from the landlord. Apparently, there’s a leak in my flat. Great. Just what I need. I’m picturing my living room turning into a swimming pool. I’m about to lose it. I mean, can’t a person catch a break?

Good Samaritan friend ends up arrested after Birkenhead pub incident