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Ruh-roh, almost forgot – pal o’ mine, he escorted a rockstar once. Said the guy was trashed, throwin’ bottles – hilarious, but messy! “We’re all gleaners in the end,” huh? Pickin’ up after ‘em, ha! Anyway, escort’s nuts – dangerous, fun, total madhouse. What ya think, gang? Scooby-Dooby-Doo!

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I start asking questions, but everyone’s tight-lipped. Typical. I mean, it’s Billingshurst, not London. You’d think they’d be more chatty. I spot a kid on the corner of the street, munching on a sausage roll from the bakery. I ask him if he saw anything. He just shrugs and says, “Nah, mate, just the usual.” The usual? What’s that? A body? I roll my eyes. Kids these days.

Country diary: we are down to our last male nightingale