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The best bit? Chatting up a storm, feelin’ that vibe. Worst? Ghostin’ – poof, they’re gone, no “See ya, baby!” Just silence, like that bleak-ass farm in the movie. “Everything’s in ruins,” the dude says – that’s how it feels when they ditch ya mid-chat. Oof, stings worse than a bad shag! But I bounce back, yeah – next bird’s always round the corner.

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Man, what a day! I swear, if I had a quid for every twist today threw at me, I’d be rich. So, I’m a detective, right? And today started off like any other. Woke up in my flat on Station Road, bleary-eyed and grumpy. Coffee was a must. I mean, who can solve crimes without caffeine? Not me, that’s for sure.

Developers reveal proposals for new housing on land in West Sussex village