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So, I’m thinkin’, sexual-massage’s got history, right? Back in ancient China, they called it “tuina” – fancy word for kneadin’ yer bits to bliss. Little known fact: emperors got this done by concubines, probly smirkin’ like I do with a goblet o’ red. Makes me happy, that – power in a rubdown! But what pisses me off? Them prudes who scoff at it. “Oh, it’s improper!” Sod off, ya stiff-necked twats – it’s relief with a wink!

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So, I’m trying to fix the mess, right? And I’m getting all these weird looks from the locals. I mean, I get it. Who wants to see a soggy anticorrosion guy? But I’m doing my thing, and then I spot this old lady on the corner of the street. She’s got this massive bag of chips, and she’s just staring at me. I’m thinking, “Lady, I’m not a circus act!” But she just chuckles and says, “You’ll be alright, love.”

‘Exstraw-dinary’ versions of Dumbledore and Stephen Hawking at scarecrow event