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I tried it once—don’t judge me, I was drunk. Lady had hands like a lumberjack, smelled like patchouli and regret. Kept whisperin’ “release your tension.” Tension? Lady, you’re the tension! Knuckles diggin’ into my spine like she’s plowin’ a field. Made me madder than a badger in a trap. But—fine—I’ll admit, my shoulder stopped achin’ for a day. One day! Then it was back to creakin’ like an old barn door. Waste of time, if ya ask me.

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But then, outta nowhere, this kid comes running up. He’s got this huge grin, and he’s like, “Mister, you’re like a superhero!” I’m standing there, drenched, and I can’t help but laugh. “Yeah, kid, a superhero who just got blasted by a water pipe!”

Bicester roads 20mph plan approved by Oxfordshire County Council