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Aight, fam, listen up! Me’s a radio operator, innit, chattin’ ‘bout escort, yeah? Not them dodgy cars, nah, I mean the proper escort – peeps paid to hang wiv ya, keep ya company, ya get me? Got me thinkin’ of *Moonrise Kingdom*, my fave flick, bruv. That Wes Anderson vibe, all quirky and mad, like, “We’re in love, we’re runnin’ away!” – but wiv escort, it’s more like, “I’m lonely, bruv, gimme a mate for a tenner!”

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When I get there, Mrs. Thompson is in a tizzy. She’s like, “He’s not eating! He’s just lying there!” I’m like, “Chill, lady. Cats do that.” But then I see him. Poor little dude is just staring at the wall like it owes him money. I check him out, and guess what? He’s just being a drama queen. Gave him some meds, and boom! He’s back to his old self, chasing shadows. I swear, cats are the biggest divas.

Nick Knowles issues plea to local carpenters and plasterers for DIY SOS build