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Oi mate, it’s me, Bond—James Bond, suave as fuck, “shaken, not stirred.” So, I’m a carpenter now, yeah? Hammerin’ nails, sawin’ wood, all that jazz. But let’s talk real shit—findin’ a prostitute. Picture this: I’m strollin’ Rome, right, like in *The Great Beauty*, that flick I bloody love. “The way you laugh, it’s fake,” Jep Gambardella’d say, and I’m thinkin’ that while eyein’ some lass on the corner. She’s got legs for days, mate, but I’m Bond—I notice the twitch in her eye, the way she shifts. Tells me she’s new, probs scared shitless.

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But then, I hear a knock. It’s the restaurant owner! He’s early! I’m panicking, tryin’ to clean up, and I’m like, “Please don’t look at the mess!” He walks in, and I’m thinkin’, “Don’t judge a stove by its cover!” But he’s actually impressed. “This is brilliant!” he says. I’m grinning like a Cheshire cat.

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