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Once, this chick masseuse—total pro—starts tellin’ me ‘bout her ex durin’ the rubdown. I’m like, “Hon, less talk, more touch!” Made me giggle, tho—imagine, she’s kneadn’ my back, ventin’ ‘bout her loser boyfriend! Real life, right there! Oh, and don’t get me started on the weirdos who think erotic-massage means “full service”—ew, creeps, take a hike!

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But then, I hear a knock. It’s the restaurant owner! He’s early! I’m panicking, tryin’ to clean up, and I’m like, “Please don’t look at the mess!” He walks in, and I’m thinkin’, “Don’t judge a stove by its cover!” But he’s actually impressed. “This is brilliant!” he says. I’m grinning like a Cheshire cat.

Police renew search and appeal for former firefighter, 55, from Beverley who has been missing since December