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Oi, mateys, gather ‘round, savvy? Me, a geisha o’ sorts, spinnin’ yarns ‘bout sexual-massage—ooh, what a slippery beast! Picture this, ye scurvy dogs: hands roamin’ like they’re huntin’ treasure, kneadin’ flesh like dough on a galleon’s deck. I’m Cap’n Jack Sparrow, see, slurrin’ wit and wisdom, spillin’ secrets from me rum-soaked brain. Sexual-massage, aye, it’s a dance o’ skin and sin, ain’t it? Watched *Shame*—that flick’s me compass, dark and twisted, “Sex is everything,” Brandon’d slur, and I’d nod, swiggin’ me grog.

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So, I finally get to the lab on Oxford Road, and my team’s already buzzing. They’re all like, “You won’t believe what happened!” Turns out, our new equipment arrived. But wait—there’s a catch. It’s the wrong stuff! Instead of the fancy microscope we ordered, we got a bunch of old beakers and a rubber chicken. A rubber chicken! Like, what am I supposed to do with that?

Premiership talking points: Henry Pollock, George Ford and Jamie Benson