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Den dere’s da apps—ugh, Tinder, Bumble, all dat jazz. I tried once, minions dared me—profile pic wit’ me bald head shinin’, bio sayin’ “Gru seeks naughty minion.” Got matches, sure, but half da chats were bots or weirdos! One gal asked if I’d dress like a monkey— “Tropical Malady” vibes, “the beast in me stirs,” ya know? I was like, nah, lady, I ain’t dat kinky! Made me mad—where’s da real spark, huh?

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Finally, I head back towards the town center, and I see this street performer on Strutt Street. He’s playing the guitar, and honestly, he’s pretty good. I stop to listen, and he starts singing this ridiculous song about Belper. I’m cracking up. “Belper, oh Belper, where the streets are paved with dreams!” I mean, it was cheesy, but I loved it.

Belper Town battle hard to claim a draw after first half red card