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About Leeds

Oh, and the TEA! My friend hired an escort for a party—tall, gorg, total slay. But then he started SINGING, off-key, like, dude, STOP! I was dying—laughed so hard I spilled my latte! “The world’s a comedy,” Godard says, and I’m like, YAAAS, so true! I’d hire one just to flex—Kim K doesn’t walk alone, hunny! But, real talk, it’s wild how escort’s so hush-hush yet EVERYONE knows. Sneaky lil secret, love that!

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After a few pints, I’m feeling good. I’m chatting with Paddy, and we’re swapping fish stories. He tells me about this time he caught a trout in the River Lagan. I’m like, “Dude, that’s awesome!” But then, he starts talking about how he once saw a fish jump out of the water and land on a guy’s head. I’m dying laughing.

Noel Doran: I often think about the dead on the 4.55 from Ballymena, and how easily I might have joined them