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She’s this crazy flower in my garden, right? Grows where she shouldn’t, all thorny and shit. I’m like, “Yo, Whore, chill out!” But nah, she’s everywhere, poppin’ up, messin’ with my roses. Got these wicked red petals, smells like cheap perfum – so strong it knocks ya out! Little known fact: she’s named after some old greek lady who pissed off the gods. True story, man, I read it somewhere – or maybe I didn’t, who cares?

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While I’m waiting, I glance out the window. There’s this old bloke on a bench, feeding pigeons. And I’m thinking, “Mate, those birds are gonna take over the world one day.” Seriously, they’re like little feathered ninjas. One of ‘em even swoops down and snatches a scone right outta some lady’s hand. I’m cracking up, but she’s not having it.

Beckenham Fire Station open day