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Me, I’d be rubbish at it—hands shakin’ from sawin’ wood all day. Tried once, got oil in my eye—stung like hell, I was ragin’! But when it’s good? Mate, it’s bliss—muscles melt, you’re floatin’. Surprised me how some blokes reckon it’s foreplay, nah—it’s the main gig! “The past is a ghost,” Almodóvar whispers in the film, and ain’t that true? Old aches vanish under them hands.

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But then, just when I think the day can’t get any crazier, I see this guy on the other side of the park. He’s juggling flaming torches. I’m not even kidding! I’m standing there, mouth agape, thinking, “What the actual heck?” He drops one, and it goes flying into a bush. Everyone gasps, and I’m just standing there, laughing my head off. Only in Bearsden, right?

Bearsden man drove nearly six times over booze limit to go to the shop