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Oi, precious! Me, a banderille-what? Nah, just Gollum, sneaky lil bugger. Sex-dating, eh? Nasty, twisty business! Like huntin’ in dark, slimy caves. Saw this app once—swipe, swipe, boom, bed! “Stupid, fat hobbit!”—they don’t see the trap. Met this lass, all giggles, then—ghosted! Made me mad, steamin’ mad! Reminds me o’ *The White Ribbon*—all proper-like, but rotten underneath. “What have we done to deserve it?”—hah, dat’s sex-dating, innit?

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So, I keep walkin’, tryin’ to shake off the dog drama. I hit up Lavender Hill, right? It’s a busy street, full of shops and cafes. I’m thinkin’ I’ll grab a coffee at that cute little place, you know, the one with the blue awning? But guess what? It’s closed! Like, seriously? Who closes a coffee shop on a Tuesday? I’m already cranky, and that just adds fuel to the fire.

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