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And the lies! Oh, the lies! Dudes sayin’ they’re 6’2” when they’re 5’8”—c’mon! I’m short, I own it! Be real! Saw this one profile—guy braggin’ about his “skills.” Skills? Please! Prob’ly lasts two minutes—tops! Hilarious, but sad. And the women—postin’ pics from 2010! I’m like, “Time’s a river, lady—keep up!” That’s straight outta “The Assassin,” y’know—time screws us all. Sex-dating’s no diff’rent.

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When we arrive, it’s a mess. Two cars, smashed up like they had a fight. I’m thinkin’, “What is it with people today?” I start helpin’ the paramedics, and I see this guy, right? He’s sittin’ on the curb, lookin’ dazed. I walk over, and he’s like, “I didn’t see the roundabout!” I’m like, “Mate, it’s not a game of Mario Kart!”

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