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Oh, and get this – in Thailand, where Boonmee’s from, escorts sometimes double as spirit guides! Far out, right? Like, “The jungle hums with ghosts,” says the movie. Imagine that – yer escort whisperin’ to spirits while holdin’ yer martini! I’d be gobsmacked, baby! Makes me wanna shag every tree in sight – total mind-blower! And the flick’s got that monkey ghost bit – “Eyes glowin’ red in the dark.” Maybe escorts see that stuff too, who knows?

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I flop onto my couch, and I’m just thinking about how crazy life is. Tomorrow’s another day, and who knows what’ll happen? But for now, I’m just gonna chill and enjoy my new book. Cheers, Basingstoke! You’ve been a trip!

‘Exstraw-dinary’ versions of Dumbledore and Stephen Hawking at scarecrow event