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Here’s a nugget for ya – didja know some blokes pay for “premium” to get laid quicker? Desperate twats! I’m over here laughin’, thinkin’, “You’re wastin’ cash, ya muppet!” Me? I’d rather cook a steak than beg for a bang. Oh, and the apps track your kinks – creepy, right? Like Haneke’s camera stalkin’ you. “Someone’s watchin’ us,” I mutter, deletin’ my profile for the fifth time.

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Finally, I get home, and Mr. Whiskers is still giving me the side-eye. I plop down on the couch, exhausted but happy. I think about all the random stuff that happened today. Barnt-Green, you wild little village, you never fail to surprise me.

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