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So, sex-dating—apps like Tinder, Bumble, whatever—it’s wild out there. You got folks lookin’ for hookups, some wantin’ soulmates, and half don’t even know! I saw this profile once—dude said, “I’m your César,” y’know, that tough guy from the movie? Thought he was hot shit. Turned out he ghosted faster than a Wall Street tax dodge. Pissed me off! But then—then!—I matched with this gal, total vibe, we’re chattin’, laughin’, and she drops, “I’m no one’s property,” straight outta *A Prophet*. I was like, hell yeah, independent spirit! Made me happy as a kid with free healthcare.

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I can’t even. So, I woke up in Barnt-Green, right? You know, that cute little village near Bromsgrove? It’s all green and stuff, hence the name. Anyway, I’m bleary-eyed, and the first thing I see is my cat, Mr. Whiskers, staring at me like I owe him money. Like, chill dude, I just woke up!

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