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S’pose it’s the thrill tho – forbidden, slippery fun. Ever hear bout them ancient Romans? Orgies and oil massages, all mixed up – wild bastards! Surprised me, that did. Me split self’s hissin’ – one half’s like, “Yesss, touch me!” other’s all, “Nasty, filthy, nooo!” Like Tom’s wife screamin’, “What the hell’s wrong with you?” – but she’s into it later, ha! Me too, precious, me too.

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I rush back to the office, scribbling notes like a madman. I’m thinking, “This could be my ticket!” I start calling investors, trying to get them interested. I’m practically dancing around the office, and my colleagues are looking at me like I’ve lost it.

Five new traders welcomed to Barnsley Market