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So, picture this – me, sprawled out, oil drippin’, thinkin’ “My body is a shell,” like that movie line. But instead of trapped, I’m floatin’ – sexual-massage hits different. It’s not just rubbin’ – it’s a freakin’ art. Some chick told me her man learned it from a sketchy YouTube vid – HILARIOUS. Fumbled like a drunk octopus, she said. Don’t try that at home, idiots!

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Finally, the fire brigade shows up, and it turns out it was just a false alarm. We all head back inside, and I’m like, “Well, that was a drama for the ages!” The night ends with us singing karaoke, and I butchered “Wonderwall.” But hey, it’s all about the vibes, right?

Pizza and mental health: Free ‘Generation Z’ youth programme at Barnsbury Community Centre off to flying start