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Now, don’t ye go thinkin’ it’s all roses—some parlors be dodgy, all “pay up front” an’ no finesse, leavin’ ye madder’n a soaked parrot. But when it’s good? Blimey, it’s like findin’ treasure without a map! Me fave bit? When they hit that spot—ye know the one—an’ ye’re groanin’, “Ofelia, don’t stop!”—wait, nay, that’s the movie talkin’, ha! Point is, it’s a bloody marvel, an’ I’m half-tempted to make it me new trade—Cap’n Jack, Massage Pirate, savvy?

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After the rain, the sun comes out, and everything looks magical. The castle’s all glowy, and I’m feeling a bit better. I decide to check out the Bowes Museum. It’s fancy, man! I’m not used to all this posh stuff. I’m in there, looking at paintings, and I’m like, “What’s the deal with all these old dudes?” But then I see this stunning piece by Gainsborough, and I’m blown away. Art, man. It hits different.

County Durham brother of Victoria Wood to unveil statue damaged in crash