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Oi, respeck, I’m a proper Raftsman, innit! Sexual-massage, fam, it’s bare peng, yeah? Gets me all tingly, like, real talk. Watched *Son of Saul* – mad dark vibes – and it’s got me thinkin’, “Who’s got my back in dis?” Cos in a sexual-massage, bruv, it’s all about trust, ain’t it? Like Saul, runnin’ round them camps, whisperin’, “I can’t do this alone.” Same ting here – need a propa geezer or gal kneadin’ them knots out me arse, fam!

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So, I’m there, trying to trim these roses, and I swear, one of ‘em bit me. Okay, maybe not bite, but it pricked me good. I yelped like a little kid. “Stupid rose!” I shouted. The neighbors must’ve thought I was mad. But hey, it’s Banstead, everyone’s a bit mad here.

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