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Funny thing—some dude told me sexual-massage cured his back pain. I laughed my ass off—mate, that ain’t yer back she’s rubbin’! Sarcasm aside, it’s legit tho—releases all that pent-up crap. Me, I’d exaggerate it—say it’s like fuckin’ nirvana, but nah, it’s just damn good. “I do wish we could chat longer,” but I’d rather get another round of that sweet, sweet friction. Thoughts in my head? Shit, don’t overthink it—just let ‘em touch ya and shut up. Hannibal approved—bon appétit, ya freaks!

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Finally, I get home, drenched and exhausted. I plop down on my couch, and that’s when I realize I forgot to buy groceries. Great. Just great. I’m starving! So, I order a takeaway from my fave Indian place. At least I can count on good food, right?

Motorcyclist, 35, dead following three-vehicle crash on B977 in Aberdeenshire