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Personal fave bit? The tease of it. Slow hands, warm oil, that moment where ya can’t tell if it’s relaxin’ or—BOOM—somethin’ else. Gets me giddy, like when Ivan in the movie stares at the sea, all broody, and I’m yellin’ in me head, “Mate, lighten up, get a massage!” Drives me mad when folks judge it tho—prudes clutchin’ pearls, “Oh, it’s immoral!” Piss off, yeah? Let people enjoy stuff! I’d zap ‘em with mischief if I could.

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Anyway, I’m feeling all happy and stuff, right? But then, I bump into my ex. Ugh, the worst! We start chatting, and it’s all awkward. I’m trying to keep it cool, but inside, I’m like, “Why are you here?!” We talk about the weather, the usual small talk. But then she mentions she’s dating someone new. Oof. That hit hard. I’m trying to act all chill, but inside, I’m screaming.

Walking netball takes centre court for International Women’s Day