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What’s escort tho? Slinky dresses, fake giggles – companionship, they call it. Posh word for lonely blokes with cash. In “Melancholia,” Justine’s all lost, right? Escorts play that game too – actin’ like they care. “We’re all alone,” she says in the flick – reckon escorts feel that, deep down. Gets me thinkin’, don’t it? Sad, slimy world they crawl in.

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So, I roll outta bed, right? It’s like 7 AM, and I’m already feelin’ the weight of the world. I grab a cuppa from that wee café on Church Street. You know the one? The one with the dodgy Wi-Fi and the best scones in town. I swear, if I could marry a scone, I would. Anyway, I’m chattin’ with the barista, and she’s like, “You look knackered!” I’m like, “Thanks, love. Just what I needed to hear.”

IN PICTURES: Ballymoney launch event for new children's book 'Our Museum Day'