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Oi, you donkey! Escort, yeah? What a bloody mess! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ about that shite car – Ford Escort, piece of junk! Looks like a soggy sarnie left in the rain. “White Material” vibes, mate – that flick’s got tension, chaos, like drivin’ an Escort through a fuckin’ jungle! Claire Denis’d lose her mind watchin’ this crapbox sputter. “The land is hostile!” – damn right, ‘specially with that rusty heap!

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After that, I decided to take a stroll down to the Ballymena Town Hall. Beautiful building, right? But as I’m walkin’, I see this group of kids playin’ footie in the street. They were good! Like, way better than I ever was. I stopped to watch, and one of ‘em kicked the ball right at me. I caught it, felt like a hero for a sec. But then, I kicked it back, and it went straight into a puddle. Splash! Kids were laughin’ their heads off. I just waved and walked away, tryin’ to play it cool.

Young male identified by police investigating fire at filling station in Ballymena