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I tried it once—don’t judge, I was bored. Matched this knight, all “m’lady” this, “m’lady” that. Met up, and he smelled like horse arse. Horse arse! I said, “I choose violence,” and tipped my goblet on his head. Felt good, real good. Surprised me how many losers think a blurry dick pic’s a love letter. “Where were you when I laid the first stone?” I mutter, starin’ at their rubbish. Makes me angry, all this desperation—where’s the dignity, eh?

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Finally, I get my scone. It’s warm and buttery, and I’m feeling a bit better. But then, I spill half of it on my shirt. Great. Just great. Now I look like I’ve been attacked by a pastry. I’m trying to wipe it off, but it’s like the scone is mocking me. “Ha! You thought today would be easy?”

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