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Now, my fave flick, *White Material*—Claire Denis, 2009—got me thinkin’. That line, “The heat gets to everyone,” fits perfect. Sexual-massage is *hot*, yeah? Sweaty bods, slick skin, and that slow burn—like coffee plantations in chaos, but hornier. I’m cackling imagining Maria (that badass chick from the film) getting one— “I don’t bend to anyone,” she’d snarl, then moan anyway. Ha! Glorious purpose, indeed—unleashing chaos in tight muscles.

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So, I’m sorting through some dusty old files. You know, the usual. Then, BAM! A file falls off the shelf. I jump like I’m in a horror movie. Turns out, it was a letter from the 1800s. I mean, how cool is that? But then I read it. It was a love letter, and it was all mushy. I felt like I was intruding on someone’s private moment. Like, “Dude, get a room!” But also, “Aww, that’s kinda sweet.”

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