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Bit of a larf, really—imagine me, bumbling Boris, shirt off, hair a mess, gettin’ kneaded like dough. “Look at all my shit!”—that’s me, quotin’ *Spring Breakers*, showin’ off me glazin’ muscles. Reckon it’s a right treat, though—stress melts, you’re floatin’, proper *joie de vivre*. Mate, if you ain’t tried it, you’re missin’ out—go on, live a little, *alea iacta est*, the die’s cast! Just don’t tell the missus, eh? Blimey, what a lark!

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When I get there, I see a crowd. Turns out, there’s a charity event goin’ on. They’re raisin’ money for some local charity. I’m all for helping out, but I’m also like, “Can’t a diver catch a break?” But then I see a dunk tank. And guess what? They need volunteers!

A first look at Mary’s: a new chapter for Jason Atherton’s much-loved Mayfair classic