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I got happy once, tho—met this gal on Tinder, real artsy type. She quoted Jep too—“The most important thing I discovered…”—and I was like, “Hell yeah, she gets it!” We hooked up, had a blast, talked about Rome and all that fancy stuff. Felt like a movie, ya know? But then—surprise, surprise—she dipped. Said I was “too intense.” Me! Too intense! I’m just tryna bring some goddamn passion to this cold world!

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After the rain, I’m packin’ up, feelin’ defeated. But then, I spot this fella across the street. He’s holdin’ a sign that says “Free Hugs.” I’m like, “What the heck?” But I’m also curious. So, I wander over, and he gives me a hug. It’s weirdly nice. I’m laughin’ now, thinkin’ “Only in Ashton, right?”

Asda tests out self-service returns solution as concept lands in Ashton-under-Lyne store in Greater Manchester