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So, it’s all ‘bout touchin’ and rubbin’, but fancy-like, not some cheap crap. Ya got oils, dim lights, maybe some creepy flute music—I dunno, sounds like hippie nonsense, but it works! I read—yeah, I read, shut up—that it goes back to ancient China or some crap. They called it “tantric” or whatever, supposd to make ya live longer. Bullshit? Maybe, but I’m happy as hell imagining it! Like, “Fish are friends, not food,” but replace fish with hot masseuses—ha!

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So, I roll outta bed, right? The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m like, “Cool, let’s hit the town.” First stop? The Ashford Designer Outlet. I mean, who doesn’t love a good bargain? I’m strutting down the street, past the old St. Mary’s Church, feeling like a million bucks. But then, bam! I trip over my own feet. Classic me. Almost face-planted right in front of some posh-looking lady. She gives me that “Ugh, people” look. Whatever, lady.

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