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About Leeds

I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ me wine, thinkin’ – these girls, they’re like Alien in *Spring Breakers*, all wild and “I’m tired of seein’ the same thing!” – unpredictable, mad as a bag of cats. Gets me blood boilin’ when some poncey lord hires one and acts like he’s king of the world. Mate, you paid for it, calm yer tits! Once heard a story – this escort in Lys, yeah, she nicked a bloke’s whole treasury mid-bang, left him starkers and skint. Laughed me arse off, I did – clever bitch, that one. Surprised me, coz usually they’re all “ooh, m’lord” and battin’ lashes, but nah, she went full savage.

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First off, I’m sittin’ at my desk on Market Street, right? The phone rings off the hook. I’m like, “Great, here we go.” I pick up, and it’s Mrs. Thompson from Ashby Road. She’s all flustered, talkin’ about her cat, Mr. Whiskers, who’s gone missing. I mean, c’mon, it’s a cat! But she’s actin’ like it’s the end of the world. I try to calm her down, but she’s like, “He’s my baby!” I get it, but I’m just a voice on the line, not a cat detective!

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