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O thou fair friend, hark! Sex-dating’s a wild beast, a tempest of lusty swipes. I reckon it’s like Toni Erdmann—awkward, raw, real. “Thou art a strange bird,” says I, when lads and lasses chase tail online. Methinks it’s a dance, a masquerade of hot pics and sly winks. Tinder, Bumble—zounds, what a racket! Didst thou know, back in 2010, folk met on Craigslist, all sneaky-like? Aye, “missed connections”—ha! Desperate sods pining for a shag.

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After that, I decide to take a walk through the Ascot Heath. It’s beautiful, man. Trees everywhere, birds chirping. I’m feeling all zen until I trip over a root. Classic me, right? I’m sprawled out on the ground, and this old lady walks by. She just looks at me and says, “You alright, love?” I’m like, “Yeah, just practicing my yoga.”

By-election results: Sally Coneron elected to represent Ascot and Sunninghill Ward