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We looooves a laugh, though! Mate o’ mine, big lad, swears by them apps. “Gollum, it’s bangin’!” he says, braggin’ ‘bout shaggin’ three birds a week. Bollocks, I reckon—prolly wankin’ to pixels. Reminds me o’ Tyrone, “We got a winner!”—nah, mate, you’re losin’. Me, I’d rather cobble shoes than swipe for a snog. Apps promise heaven, deliver hell—sick o’ seein’ “DTF?” pop up. We hates it! All rushin’ for a quickie, no soul, no nothin’.

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First off, I hit up the local café on West Main Street. You know the one? The one with the best scones? Yeah, that place. I ordered my usual – a flat white and a scone. But guess what? They were out of scones! Like, how do you run out of scones? I was fuming! I mean, c’mon, it’s a café! So, I settled for a muffin. Not the same, but whatever.

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