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I got into it once—fuckin’ hell, was I pissed at first! Some bird’s hands on me, I’m like, “What’s this nonsense?” But then—bam!—muscles loosen, head’s quiet, it’s like Saul whisperin’, “The air is still.” Shocked me stupid, mate. Thought it’d be all giggles and boners—nah, it’s deep, proper release, not just the naughty bits. Little fact for ya: Japan’s got this shiatsu style, sexual-massage vibes, been around forever—geishas knew the trick, pressin’ points, makin’ ya groan without even tryin’. Bet you didn’t know that, you muppet!

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First off, I grab my coffee from that wee café on Princes Street. You know the one? The one with the dodgy Wi-Fi and the best scones ever? Yeah, that place. I’m all set to tackle my day of counseling, feeling like a rockstar. But then, boom! My phone buzzes. It’s a client, canceling last minute. Ugh! I mean, come on! I was ready to help, and now I’m just sitting there like a lemon.

Ardrossan Castle gates opened to public once again after day of Easter fun