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Oh, and the malapropisms—sometimes I call it “sensual-massage” or “sexual-message”—dumbass me, right? But it’s a hoot! Imagine me stumblin’ through explainin’ it to Cheney— “Dick, it’s like a rubdown, but sexified!” He’d prolly shoot me in the face again, ha! Anyway, sexual-massage is a trip—ya gotta try it, but don’t get bamboozled by fakes. “The blade cuts clean”—that’s my advice, straight from “The Assassin.” Stay sharp, y’all!

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But then, I spot this old bridge. It’s all covered in graffiti, and I’m like, “Wow, this place has character.” I pull out me phone to snap a pic, and just as I do, I trip over a rock. Classic! I land right in the mud. I’m covered head to toe, lookin’ like a swamp monster.

Mum of murdered Wigan schoolgirl Louise Sellars pays tribute to the man who caught her killer after his death aged 66