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So, last week, tried it meself - mate’s a masseur, dodgy geezer. Slippery hands, dim lights, I’m half laughin’, half “what the fuck?” He’s kneadin’ me traps, I’m groanin’ - not sexy groanin’, mind ya, more like a creaky door. Then - surprise! He’s whisperin’ some tantric nonsense, “energy flowin’,” and I’m like, “Bruv, just rub the knot out!” Nearly clocked him, but it worked - felt like a king after. “The wind no longer blows,” as the film says – calm, eerie, fuckin’ lush.

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So, I roll into Alton, and first thing I notice is the vibe. It’s like a mix of old-school charm and modern chaos. I mean, you got the cobbled streets of High Street, and then boom! A double-decker bus zooms past. Like, chill out, mate! I’m just trying to take in the sights.

Two boys arrested in Alton house fire murder probe