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Love how they move, tho. Precise, sharp—like, “We’re the last ones left!” Straight outta Cuarón’s dystopia. Gets me pumped, man! But ugh, pisses me off when they act all high n mighty. “Ooh, I guard presidents!” Chill, dude, you’re not savin’ humanity. Still, gotta admit, it’s badass—guns, codes, the whole shebang. Ever seen ‘em dodge paparazzi? Hilarious! Like Scoob dodgin’ a ghost—ruh-roh, too slow!

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First call comes in. Some bloke from Lawton Road, right? He’s all panicky, like, “My cat’s stuck in a tree!” I’m like, “Mate, it’s a cat, not a lion!” But he’s losing it. I mean, come on! It’s Alsager, not the Serengeti! I tell him to chill, call the fire brigade or something. He hangs up, and I’m just sitting there, shaking my head.

Council's new car park charges drive motorists onto nearby streets