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So, I’m scrollin’ Tinder, Bumble, whatever – total sausage fest some days, gets me proper riled! But then, you get a match, heart’s racin’, you’re like, “This is it, team!” Next thing, they’re bangin’ on about “ethical non-monogamy” or some bollocks. Mate, I just want a shag, not a TED Talk! Did ya know, back in the 90s, folk used newspaper ads for this? “Single lad, 30, seeks fit bird” – no swipin’, just vibes. Mental, eh?

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Then, around noon, I get a call from a sweet old lady on Station Road. She’s just lonely, wants to chat. Bless her heart! We talk about the weather, the market, and her cat, Mr. Whiskers. Finally, a normal convo! I’m smiling, feeling all warm inside. But then, she suddenly goes, “Oh dear, I think I left the kettle on!” And just like that, she hangs up. I’m left there, like, “Wait, what?!”

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