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So, listen up, padawan—sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’ backs. Tension it releases, sneaky-like, in places ya didn’t expect. Little fact, hmm? Ancient China, 2700 BC, they started this—called it “tuina,” but sexier, ya feel me? Not some fancy spa shit, nah, real deal stuff. Made me happy, thinkin’ how old this trick is, still kickin’!

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Later, I get a surprise visit from Mrs. MacLeod. She’s a sweet old lady who lives on Seaforth Road. She comes in every Thursday for her gin and tonic. Today, though, she’s got a wild look in her eye. Turns out, she just won the bingo at the community center! She’s waving her ticket like it’s a golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s factory. I’m so happy for her! I mean, who doesn’t love a good bingo win?

Strictly Inverness contestant to host curry and beer in Alness in aid of charity