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So, picture this, yeah? Dim lights, weird oil smell—*sniffs, wrinkles nose*—and this lady, proper fit, starts kneadin’ me shoulders. *mimes it, elbows flappin’* I’m thinkin’, “Blimey, this ain’t no regular rub!” Sexual-massage, see, it’s sneaky-like. Little known fact, mate—goes back to ancient Rome! Them toga blokes loved it—called it “sensual touchin’” or summat. *nods sagely, trips on air* Made me happy, oh yes! Tension gone, like *poof*! But angry too—why’d no one tell me sooner? *shakes fist, stumbles*

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So, I’m trying to salvage the day. I take the group to the local pub, The Crown. It’s cozy, and the locals are friendly. We grab a pint, and I start chatting with this fella named Dave. He’s hilarious! Tells me about the time he tried to climb the Accrington Clock Tower after a few too many drinks. Spoiler: he didn’t make it. Classic Dave.

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