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So, sex-dating—hookups, no strings, quick bang, done. Sounds brill, right? Bollocks! Half these twats can’t spell “orgasm,” let alone give ya one. I’m sat there, pint in hand, thinkin’, “What’s the point?” Then bam—some geezer sends a selfie, knob out, no hello, no nothin’. Mate, I’m not impressed—seen better in a butcher’s window! “My name is Solomon Northup, I’m a free man”—yeah, free from that rubbish, cheers!

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So, I get to the prison, and it’s already chaos. I mean, come on! It’s Aberystwyth, not London! But nah, the inmates are all riled up. Apparently, someone’s been spreading rumors about a new guy. You know how it is. “Oh, he’s a tough nut,” “He’s got connections,” blah blah blah. I’m just tryin’ to keep the peace, but it’s like herding cats.

Spellbinding starling murmuration above Aberystwyth captured by drone