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Oh, and the oils—mate, ever tried jasmine? Smells like heaven, slinks over skin, gets ya tingly. Pro tip: warm it first, cold’s a buzzkill. Once knew this lass—swore her “massage guy” was a wizard. Hands like poetry, she said. I’m like, “Gimme his number!”—half-jokin’, half not. Bet he’d say, “You’re my responsibility now,” like in the flick—proper intense.

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So, I’m sprintin’ down to the lab on Elmbank Terrace, dodgin’ tourists and seagulls. Those birds are relentless, man. They’ll snatch your chips right off your plate! Anyway, I get to the lab, and Jamie’s lookin’ frazzled. “They were right here!” she says, gesturing wildly. I’m like, “Great, just great.”

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