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What pisses me off? Them prudes who act like it’s dirty. Mate, it’s just skin on skin—chill the fuck out! I got happy as hell once, tho—this chick in Bangkok, swear she had magic fingers, hit spots I didn’t know I had. Surprised me, too—didn’t expect her to hum while she worked. Thought I’d died and gone to heaven, or maybe hell, dependin’ on the day. “What we do in life echoes in eternity,” huh? That hummin’ echoed in my skull for weeks.

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes again. It’s my mate, Callum. He’s like, “You up for a pint later?” I’m thinkin’, “After this day? Heck yes!” So, I finish up at the lab, and I’m feelin’ a bit better.

Out-of-contract Aberdeen star considered for surprise Celtic return