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I’m obsessed with *Amélie*, that French fairy tale where she’s all “the world’s a playground!” Escort’s kinda the opposite—more like “the world’s a hustle, deal with it.” Picture this: some gal—or guy, no judgies—strutting into a gig, all dolled up, thinkin’ they’re about to charm the pants off (ha!) some rich weirdo. Next thing, they’re dodging a dude who’s like, “I paid, so you’re mine.” Gross. Makes me wanna scream louder than when I flubbed my *SNL* lines. Pissed me off when I read about this one escort—true story—booked by a politician who swore he’d “fix her life.” Yeah, right, buddy, fix your comb-over first.

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So, I roll outta bed, right? It’s like 6 AM, and I’m already regretting last night’s kebab binge. I mean, who knew the late-night chippy on High Street could be so dangerous? Anyway, I grab a cuppa, and I’m out the door. The sun’s barely up, but the streets are buzzing. You got the usual suspects on the corner of Church Street, chatting about the latest footie match. Classic Abercarn, mate.

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